For anyone interested, we’re not dead.
December 16, 2012 7:18pm
Over and over the thoughts of things I never could’ve imagined me wanting start to consume me and toss my whole being into tormoil. I fail to understand myself. I’m in an endless loop of confusion. A foolish romantic’s heart and an equally foolish realist outlook. A contradictory pair indeed and I’ve realized the tragedy in this. My craving for love and romance are often brought to bitter distaste with my realist thoughts. I don’t often get caught up in reveries but I won’t let go of what I deserve, someone that knows I’m not the newest or most appealing car in the world but I’m stronger when it comes to collisions. A person willing to fight and keep what we share afloat from the crashing waves trying to bring us down. I understand all too well the phrase “Wearing your heart on your sleeve” The beating instrument no longer resting protected in my chest but pinned painfully to my wrist. I don’t hide my feelings, I face the cruel outside with a head held high. I won’t pretend to be something I’m not. What you see is what I am. Not all of me but most of me. I’m an incompletely open book. Showing you what I am on the inside.
here’s older stuff :
Within and Beyond. (9/2/12; 8:13pm)
I’m constantly getting thrown against the walls of my mind. Always getting knocked down by that one thought that’s held my heart for too long. I won’t be done over so easily. Rehab takes time and well I won’t relapse an umpteenth time. There’s just something in the way those eyes stare back that keep me caught under that spell. But no more, I’m freeing myself. I won’t let the thoughts keep me on the ground. I loved time and a part of me always will. Those memories are forever mine and I can’t let them go. They’ve defined a time in my life when I was lost, when I didn’t know I could be strong because someone gave me strength. Every relapse keeps me from remembering how it’ll end. Each time I hope for a different ending. Insanity in the words of Einstein. The sooner I wipe away these tears the sooner the weight on my chest lifts. I can’t completely ever let go. A friend doesn’t turn their back on the pain. I endure and I help no matter what. I’m just a leaf on the tree. Just slightly differing from the rest of nature. Flying just a bit higher in the wind. I’m still fighting for my sanity. I’m still fighting to get over this. Going on alone is tough when the open road looked so much easier, so much smoother when you had someone right beside you.
Ugh. (sometime before September)
All this is just too familiar. The overwhelming sense of feeling. I hate it. I hate feeling that at anytime I cannot control the rage and the tears. No matter how hard I try it always controls me. I want so bad to make people feel as bad as they make me feel but that wouldn’t do anything but make me worse. There’s no making this go away, I’m lost in this limbo of emotion. “Don’t run away. Don’t run away.” I keep telling myself but run from what? Myself? It’s impossible to run from this. Thinking about the past and glancing at the yesterdays that used to put a smile on my face just make me turn away from what the future could bring. I hate that the one thing I can count on is the pain. No matter what lies in the future pain would be of no absence.
~In the wake of constant insanity, the works of amazing me happen~
One day I am going to walk out the door and just go. Go wherever my feet take me, on and on until I die so I can see the world in its glory and agony. But this is something that I don’t know whether I hope or fear comes to pass.
Lately all my anxieties about the future have been crawling back up. Bad dreams don’t help either. I never feel like I have enough time to do everything a human is supposed to before they pass on. Throw that on top of the occasional family-related guilt trip and you see me crushed under all the weight. In public sometimes I have to plaster on a fake smile as if it was a bad sticker. With my friends I don’t have to since they understand what I’m going through. I end up taking advantage of their kindness too, reminding me of what a bad person I am since I don’t do them favors in return. I don’t work hard enough to repay everyone for what they do for me. I am becoming more and more pessimistic and I don’t know what I can do to change that. I am a sad little person.
I am Atlas and even though I carry the world on my shoulders, it is too good to me.
I need to sleep this off. Insanity does not do well in office settings.
— Lady Deathstrike
People are wrong when they say that it’ll be harder to fall in love after they’ve been hurt. They’re wrong. I’ll tell you why because when they first fell in love the feeling was so fresh and so brand new that you feared the vulnerability. I’ve once heard of love being compared to the taste of crack. The first taste is so sweet but once that sweetness wears off, you go through every darkness and every evil to find that great luscious taste again. But the harder you try to find that flavor the harder it is to get back from the darkness that consumes you.
You feared the feeling of love would consume you and change you into someone you always hated. But you let it in…eventually. It changed you even with the fight you put up. But once you stopped fighting it the days seemed warmer and your smiles came easier. You were happy, the bad no longer seemed so terrible.
(6/13/12, 5:02am)~You were someone that no longer overlooked the little things, like a butterfly’s color, or a beautiful sky. It’s hard to tell who I turned into because I have always treasured the small things. I’ve fallen in love and hard too. I don’t know what I was expecting. But I at least thought there would be more time. I wanted to prove that I was the person he so wanted in the beginning. Too soon…I seemed to think it was over too soon. I have so much still to offer. But everything happens for a reason. It was a painful 4-5 months but I’ve come a long way(I like to think anyway). I used to be so sad, I used to fake genuine smiles. But for the last month and a half I’ve been mulling over the situation and I’ve accepted that we no longer fit. Maybe we weren’t ready for each other. Anyhow the door that I had been such a coward to open no long exists. The hinges are gone. The frame still stands but its a big open space now. I tried closing it but my heart wouldn’t let me.
It was the common Head vs. Heart battle that I consistently have. I didn’t want to give anyone else the opportunity to hurt me. Or so I kept telling myself over and over. I’m sure it was the anger and sadness. I cannot live without it though. The love I mean. The hurt I would so rather do without. Love in it’s strongest form, in it’s most delicate and intimate form. The bond shared between two partners. I didn’t want it. But I do. I yearn to love someone and to have someone love me back. I have changed. I’ve always been an overly sensitive person, not that anyone knew because of the hard expressionless face I would wear so often. Being sensitive in this day and age is a terrible thing. The act of caring eludes everyone and you’re suddenly a grain of sand, no different from the rest. I never wore my heart on my sleeve. I kept it locked away, I thought it was a weakness to show that I was someone that could care so much. But there it is now pinned almost to my wrists. No longer caring if the world throws daggers at me for the way I am, I will continue to be this overly-sensitive and overly-caring person. I may not seem this way but the mask I wear is my armor.
I have some really weird dreams sometimes.
I was sitting on the porch of the house watching the intersection of the street. Cars were passing by normally, then one woman in a minivan attempts a u-turn.
When she is done turning around she hits one car, then as she’s driving away she suddenly hits another car head on. It was a man and his family in an SUV.
But the SUV somehow gets hit so hard, that the engine is shoved from the front of the car straight into the man.
He is forced out of the car through the back window.
The engine has already destroyed his face. When he lands he is reduced to nothing but a pool of blood smeared against the pavement.
Everything was in slow motion.
Then his wife was screaming. The woman that hit him was screaming. I was screaming as I fumbled with my cellphone and called 911 with everyone watching me scream and talk.
Suddenly I flash forward and then I’m at a corner store, getting cookies with my friend. At this point things are normal and there is nothing terrifying anywhere.
I don’t know what it is that makes people have incredibly odd dreams. Sometimes I think its food but I hadn’t eaten anything right before bed. Nor was I watching a scary movie (I was playing Tekken 6 with Gambit and his friend online). I have been reading a book about how fear works in the brain and how it affects us, but I’m not so absorbed into it that I always think of what I have learned.
They say when you see someone you know in your dreams, it’s because they want to see you. They say dreams contain suppressed desires. They say dreams contain premonitions of events yet to pass. They say dreams always contain meanings. They say a lot of things about dreams. But dreams are just a big a phenomenon. Something that might not mean anything yet we value them greatly. Something that might mean a lot but we don’ understand yet. Dreams are a strange fascination for people of any age. There is no one direction for understanding them. Maybe one day we will get to that point though.
And maybe I shouldn’t have candy before bed. I just remembered that I did eat some. Fie on my bad habits.
— Lady Deathstrike